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Today’s breaking news about halitosis

woman blowing into hi-gene helper breathalyzer
FOR INCISIVE RELEASE*

Bullseye Media, LCC Announces Agreement to Acquire Hi-Gene Helper, Inc. Innovative Technology Improves the Lives of Hygienists and Dentists

DALLAS, April 1, 2022 

Bullseye Media LLC, confirmed it has acquired all the intellectual property (IP) and outstanding shares of Hi-Gene Helper, Inc. for an undisclosed amount. Hi-Gene Helper’s groundbreaking breathalyzer improves the lives of dental professionals, increasing staff retention rates in a very competitive job market.

The technology behind Hi-Gene Helper was created by the company founder and Oregon hygienist, Susan Wilson. While attending the American Dental Hygienists’ Association (ADHA) Annual Conference, she and fellow hygienists were discussing the impact of severe halitosis on the quality of their work life.

Susan returned to Oregon determined to tackle the problem and improve the work lives of dental professionals. She and her husband, a company co-founder, Gene Wilson, developed the prototype for Hi-Gene Helper in their basement.

When patients enter a practice, they are asked to submit a breath sample by blowing into a small, wall-mounted Hi-Gene Helper through a device similar to a saliva ejector. Practices are encouraged to mount the device near their mask policy and safety signage, implying the breath sample is for safety purposes.

The results of the breath sample are sent via wifi to the desktop screens of all front desk staff and via a mobile app (available in the Apple and Android stores) to all hygienists and dentists. Hi-Gene Helper results are delivered in a simple-to-interpret code, Green, Yellow or Red.

A Green Code refers to a patient who is “good to go.” These patients likely brushed their teeth that day and avoided garlic-laden foods prior to the visit. “Code Greens” sail through registration and are quickly guided into a chair to receive the best care.

A Yellow Code refers to a patient who needs a moderate level of Hi-Gene Help. “Code Yellows” are offered mints and cucumber water. Hygienists and dentists are then alerted to rub a little Icy Hot or Vicks VapoRub under their noses, tighten their masks and talk about the “urgent” patient situation in the next room that is requiring a “quick visit today.”

A Red Code refers to a patient who needs an extreme level of Hi-Gene Help. Clearly, their loved ones are weak; they should have never allowed this person, with breath that wilts flowers and makes dogs sneeze uncontrollably, leave the house, much less go to the dentist where the staff has to enter a portable hazmat shower to wash off the stink after their visit.

When the Hi-Gene Helper detects a Code Red breath, it immediately shoots a near-lethal dose of Zolpidem oral spray directly into the patient’s mouth, simultaneously activating the building’s fire alarm as a distraction. The rancid smelling patient wanders in the hall as directed by staff, who keep a safe distance. The patient is safely guided out of the building where firefighters—accustomed to burning smells that singe their noses—find a semi-drugged patient, who is often sent to the hospital where they can be treated for their oral odor that makes hair lose its curl.

Bullseye Media, LLC is excited to bring this amazing technology to market and improve the lives of our dental clients across the country. Bullseye Media, LLC also wishes you a very Happy April Fools’ Day.*

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*The preceding mock press release was written with tongue firmly planted in cheek. While this is meant to be satire, we take digital marketing for the dental industry seriously. For more information on Bullseye Media, LLC, please visit https://onlinedentalmarketing.com/.

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